I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
