I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
