Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
