her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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