Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
