the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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