I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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