He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Still dying that you shit outside
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
