How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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