I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I smell like Dick and happiness
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
