you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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