were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
