Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
