the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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