i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
