Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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