so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize