You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
how drunk are you?
Several
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
