I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
