Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
