I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
