My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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