Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
