he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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