Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
