I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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