You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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