look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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