you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
