So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
