there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
All the doctor said was why
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
