my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
