pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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