I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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