I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
