My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
