I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
