oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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