What a fucking waste of an outfit
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
