i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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