guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Found your dick twin last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
