Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
