his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
