how can u be prego again
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
