I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
