wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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