This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
