omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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