This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
