walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
