Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
