Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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