Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
