My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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