So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
