I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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