i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
