Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
God, I missed his penis.
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