Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
