you're like a bully in the Christmas story
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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