i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just forgot I was standing up.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
