I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
