Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
