... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
